Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task" said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding at Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.

"Yes! You are correct Mrs. Jones" came the minister's quick reply. Soon Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck with the pin again. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam before she bore him his 99th son?"

As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that bloody thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

AMEN!" replied all the women in the Congregation.

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.




replace lover with tw@at