Man stopped by cops on the M1 after being clocked doing 120mph, cop says give me 1 good reason for that speed? Man says, 2 months ago my wife ran off with a traffic cop and i saw you behind me and i thought you were bringing her back!

Police arrested me last and questioned me for an hour
one copper asked me "why do you keep beating my wife up?"
so i said honestly "because i have a longer reach and better foot work than her"

What did the epileptic Scotsman get for xmas?

A Wee Fit!

Bloke says to his mate, "I've been taking steroids and i've grown an extra cock". His mate says, "Anabolic"? And the bloke says, "No, just a cock"!!

Why do hippos make love under water?




Ever tried keeping a 9lb clitoris wet?

I had a mate who was suicidal, he was really depressed, so i pushed him in front of a steam train.
he was chuffed to bits.

A young German boy has not spoken since birth. Despite many visits to specialists they can neither find anything physically preventing him from talking nor any psychoogical reason. On his tenth birthday the family celebrate by taking him to a restaurant. On trying his soup the boy looks up and says to his mother "mazzer, ziz soop is cold". The mother in tears at this miracle says "hans, vy haf you vaited so long to speak?" and the boy says "Until now mazzer, everysing has been satisfactory"

Dont know why but i nearly peed

There was this Paddy who thought a canopy was a Scotsman with bladder trouble.

Dave is a Hull FC supporter who dies and goes to heaven. He meets St Peter at the pearly gates and is given a guided tour of heaven. They eventually finish the tour in the clock room. Dave is amazed at how many clocks there is in this room. Dave says "St Peter, how many clocks are there in this room and what do they do?"
St Peter says "There is a clock for every living person back on earth and when their clock stops they die and come here into heaven" Dave points at a clock then says "And why has that clock just skipped on one full hour"
St Peter says "Well, the owner of that clock has just masturbated so God took one hour off his life for sinning".
Dave say's "Can is see Justin Morgans clock".
St Peter says "No, You can't because the chef is using that clock as an extractor fan".

Teacher. "Who first flew the Atlantic?"
Johnny. "Leon Pryce."
Teacher. "No,it was Alcock and Brown."
Johnny. "What I said miss."

In 1983 3 kids were playing in Spring bank in Hull when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."
The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "Solicitor" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.

The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.

The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy a***hole." 20 years later, he's playing the back row forward for Hull KR.

Why do prop forwards attract blondes


opposites attract



______________________________________________________

Why do people tend to hate Australian Rugby players on sight?
Because it saves time.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Is loving s a song, or a band?!

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Man: Doctor, I think I'm going deaf.

Doctor: What are the symptoms?

Man: A cartoon family on TV, why???

A Hull KR fan dies on a match day and goes to Heaven wearing his Rovers shirt. He is met by St Peter who says "Sorry, no Hull KR fans allowed in Heaven."

Astounded, the Rovers fan says "But I've been a good man!"

St Peter replies "Oh, really? What have you done to warrant a place in Heaven?"

The Rovers fan says "Well three weeks before I died I gave £10 to the RSPCA."

"Hmm, anything else?" asks St Peter.

"Yes," replies the Rovers fan, "two weeks ago I gave a tenner to the homeless."

"Ok, what else?" asks St Peter.

"Well last week I gave £10 to the NSPCC." explains the KR fan.

"Very well," replies St Peter, "wait here a minute and I will have a word with the boss."

Two minutes later St Peter returns and says "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your £30 back. Now fook off."

Police get called to a house after a report that a man has assaulted his wife for the third time that week.

On arrival the officer arrests the husband and asks, "Why to you keep beating your wife?"

He replied, "Probably due to my weight advantage, extra reach and fancy footwork!"

Snow white is making breakfast one fine sunday morn, when all seven dwarves are all seated at the table she asks, what would you like to do today on your day off work.
we would like to go and watch a game of rugby league and hull kr are playing today, can we go and watch them please snow white?
after deliberating how rough the game could be, she said ok off you go but home straight after mind.
7 at night and no sign off them and starting to worry a bit, she hears in the distance somebody singing HULL KR HULL KR WE'RE GOING TO WIN THE CUP,
oh well she thought at least DOPEYS made it back

A bloke goes to his doctor with a problem with his penis.
"Does it burn after sex?" enquires the doc.
"Dunno" replied the bloke "I have never put a match to it."

What's brown and hides in attics?

The diarhoea of Anne Frank.

Excellent