The wife and i watched 3 dvds back to back last night

I am glad I was the one facing the tv

Man comes home from work and catches his wife at it in bed with his best mate.

He flies into a rage, runs downstairs, grabs a carving knife and stabs his mate to death.

The wife looks at him and sighs - "if you carry on like that your not gonna have any mates left"

Two mates having a drink in the pub and one says to the other.

"Mate, ive got a big confession i need to tell you.
A few weeks ago i went round to your house, you werent in , your wife made me a cuppa,but one thing led to another and we made love in every room of the house, in every position possible and she did things to me ive never even dreamt of and now shes pregnant with my child, im sorry mate, but does this make you mad, does this now make us enemies"

His mate looks at him for a while, ponders then replies


"Nah mate, just makes us even"

"

Jimbob Rule.

One of Tommy Cooper's

Mathematicians have recently been proved wrong.....30 does go into 15



Did you hear about the gay magician? He vanished with a poof..!!

Just returned from a holiday of a lifetime
I'll never do that again

Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder. The driver sh*ts himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window. "bloody hell, your jumpy aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder" the passenger replies. "Sorry" says the cabbie, " it's my first day. I've been driving a he for the past 20 years".

I accidentally used my donor card in the cash point machine this morning. It cost me an arm and a leg to get it back!

That works better if you get it right

Just returned from a ONCE in a lifetime holiday.

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning" he said. The other man replies "No, just having a 5hit"

This morning on the way to work i drove into the back of a car at the traffic lights whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got our and he was a dwarf. "I'm not happy" he said. I replied, "well which one are you then"

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings so she could monitor the mood i am in. We discovered that, when i am in a good mood, it turns green and when i am in a bad mood, it leaves a big f00king red mark on her forehead!

Was it H1 HKR and was he on his mobile again ?

I went into my butchers the other day and he said to me 'you're pretty tall, but I bet you a tenner you still couldn't get that meat off the top shelf!'

'No I'm not gambling.' I replied, 'The steaks are too high.'

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a toilet and it had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked so i went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came over from the cubicle next to me: "hello mate, how're you doing?"

Although i thought it was a bit strange at first, I didnt want to be rude, so i replied "Not too bad thanks"

After a short pause, i heard the voice again, "So what are you up to?"

Again i answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick 5hit......how about you?"

The next thing I head him say was "Sorry mate, I'll have to give you a ring back, I've got some pr1ck in the cublicle next to me answering everything i say"

One I read on Facebook this morning

Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the important parts.

My pet mouse Elvis died today
he was caught in a trap

That made me laugh out loud!

Our lass came home the other day and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my fking Xbox.

my grandma took my grandad who is deaf to the doctors,

doctor says, cant see what the problem is so can you get a stool sample and a urine sample.

grandma tells grandad , he says ..what ????

she tells him again.. he says ..what???

she says to him" doctor said leave your underpants on reception..

Two mate were having a row the first one said When you die I will dance on your grave .The other one stated that OK I am getting buried at sea

Saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman this morning, he was wearing a cat flap.

Bloke goes to the doctors with a bad back, after an examination the doc asked the man " do you masterbate over bang babes in a morning" the man asks is that whats causing the pain??

The doc replies "no its just great aint it"!!!!

2 Prawns (Steve & Christian) not happy with their lot, Steve says "I'm fed up with all this hiding under rocks from predators, wish I was a shark". Just as he said it the magic Cod was swimming by and agreed to turn him into a shark!
After a couple of weeks he got fed up of being a shark, he had no friends and everyone was afraid of him, he asked an octopus how could he go back to how he was? The octopus said he had to find the magic cod to turn him back into a prawn. After much searching he did just that and went to see his mate. His mates mam answered the door and said that he did'nt want to see him cos he was a shark so he shouted through "it's ok, I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"