I saw this guy wearing a T-shirt which read "50 today!"

"He's showing his age" I thought

Chelsea are already planning to appeal against Fernando Torres sending off for a two footed tackle.

Everyone knows he hasn't got a left foot.

I started dating a dwarf with brittle bone disease. She's a little smasher.

I said to my wife, "We need some sort of fence to protect our beloved goat" She said, "Wire fence?" I said "For protection..."

As the sperm swam toward the egg, I thought to myself, "I've really ruined this full English breakfast."

Some guy poured milk all over me earlier. How dairy..

People are always asking me if I can do a negative tortoise impression. I'm going to stick my neck out and say no.

I spent 3 hours last Sunday at the mother in law’s graveside.

Silly bugger thinks I'm digging a fish pond.

I thought my wife was joking when she said I was obsessed with The Monkees.......

Then I saw her face.....

I used to have a bird with eczema. She had cracking tits!

How do you pull a fat bird. Piece of cake.

Doctor doctor Ive got a strawberry stuck up me ar$e. Ive got some cream for that.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

I tried to use the word penis as my password, unfortunately I failed every time, I was constantly told it wasn't long enough.

I caught my tailor shagging my wife yesterday, so I told him that I'd never use his business again. He said "Fine, suit yourself"

Paddy puts an ad in his local paper as his dog had gone missing......after a week and no replies his wife asked 'what did you put in the ad as i thought we would have heard something by now?'.....paddy replies.... 'here boy'....

What do we want?

Bigger placards.

When do we want them?

No

Bill and Ben go to the pub, Bill says salobolobalob and Ben says No mate i'll get these you won't get served the landlord thinks your drunk.

The pessimist sees only the dark in the tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.
The train driver sees three complete pricks sitting on the bloody railway line.

I babysat for my next door neighbour last night. After an hour the baby kept crying so I phoned one of my mates for some advice.

I said, "It won't stop crying, what shall I do?"

He said, "Just give it a dummy."

I said, "The dummy is filthy dirty."

He said, "In that case, put it in boiling water for 10 seconds."

After a long pause I said, "Great advice mate, now he's screaming even louder and is covered in blisters."

I just saw a contest where you can win a lifetime supply of McDonald's.

Brilliant from a cost perspective, anyone who'd eat a lifetime supply of McDonald's can't be bound to live all that long.

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "you drive and I'll shoot"

Man goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce stiking out of his a--e.
He asks "Is it serious?"
The doctor replied "I think it may be the tip of the iceberg"

"Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
"You want the psychiatrist next door"
"That's where I was heading, but your light was on."