Morris and his wife Esther went to the county fete every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'



Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid.'



One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'



To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid.'



The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Guys I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.



When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'



Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but ...



... you know ...
... fifty quid is fifty quid.'

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm
off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get
a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

Three Men on a Hike....




Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, almost drowning twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ' God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river '

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour, almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ' God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
the river '

Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up-stream and walked across the bridge.

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.

Panadol is Paracetamol
Amoxil is Amoxycillin
Nurofen is Ibuprofen, and so on and so forth.

The Federal Drug Administration of America has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and has recently announced that it is unsure which of the following to choose:

Mycoxafloppin
Mycoxafailin
Mydixadrupin
Mydixarizin
Mydixadud
Dixafix

and not forgetting

Ibepokin.

> >
> > Life in the Australian Army...
> >
> > Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
> > (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small
> > town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
> >
> > Dear Mum & Dad,
> >
> > I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug
> > and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the
> > farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the
> > jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at
> > first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
> > But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before
> > brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
> > uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed
> > to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its
> > not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light
> > to see what ya doing!
> >
> > At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no
> > kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You
> > don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the
> > city boys are buggered because we've been on a
> > 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to
> > the windmill in the back paddock!!
> >
> > This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.
> > I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The
> > bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's and it
> > don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
> > Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
> > cows before the Ekka show last year! All ya gotta do is make
> > yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece
> > of !! You don't even load your own cartridges, they
> > comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady
> > yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
> > you reload!
> >
> > Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta
> > be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like
> > fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and
> > Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
> > Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like
> > I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only
> > been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's
> > 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
> > shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight
> > stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other
> > blokes carried me off to the boozer.
> >
> > I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get
> > in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
> >
> > Your loving daughter,
> >
> > Sheila

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Embarrassing moment!







You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,
and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

CRISTIANO Ronaldo celebrated his record-breaking £80m move to Real Madrid last night by joining the early morning queue outside Paris Hilton's private parts.

The former Manchester United winger was seen flirting with the hotel heiress in an LA nightclub as the two laughed about what it's like to be an empty shell of a human being with no concept of the value of anything.

Martin Bishop, a leading Hiltonologist, said: "It's a very special moment in a young man's life when he becomes famous enough to join the queue for Paris Hilton's vagina.

"I'm pleased to see he got there at 3am - nice and early. At that time of day he would only have had to queue for about an hour and a half.

"The waiting isn't too bad. They have snacks and magazines and there's usually a couple of buskers and a clown who does magic."

Bishop said Ronaldo would have been in the queue behind three or four baseball players, half a dozen drummers, at least two European princes and, as it was a Thursday, Charlie Sheen.

"He will eventually have moved from the garden into the lobby into the undressing area where he will have stripped to his socks before having his genitals hosed down with Mr Muscle.

"After that it's straight into the mounting zone for eight to ten minutes of perfunctory intercourse, followed by a souvenir photo, a quick cup of tea and a biscuit."

He added: "They can put the condom in a doggy bag for you, or you can choose to pin it on the 'Wall of Fame'. It's really well organised."

ALL TOGETHER NOW.......
You put your transfer request in,
Your transfer request out,
in out, in out, you your club about.
You do the Christiano and you change your mind,
that's what it's all about !
Oh, Ronaldo's a w£nker,
oh, Ronaldo's a w£nker,
Oh, Ronaldo's a w£nker,
Knee's bent arm's stretched,
DIVE, DIVE, DIVE

HAIRCUT

A GUY STUCK HIS HEAD INTO A BARBER SHOP AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I
CAN GET A HAIRCUT?"

THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND THE SHOP FULL OF CUSTOMERS AND SAID, "ABOUT
TWO HOURS."

THE GUY LEFT. A FEW DAYS LATER THE SAME GUY STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE
DOOR
AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN GET A HAIRCUT?" THE BARBER LOOKED
AROUND AT THE SHOP AND SAID, "ABOUT THREE HOURS."

THE GUY LEFT. A WEEK LATER THE SAME GUY STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE SHOP
AND
ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN GET A HAIRCUT?"

THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND THE SHOP AND SAID, "ABOUT AN HOUR AND A
HALF."

THE GUY LEFT. THE BARBER TURNED TO A FRIEND AND SAID, "HEY, BILL, DO
ME A FAVOR.

FOLLOW THAT GUY AND SEE WHERE HE GOES. HE KEEPS ASKING HOW LONG HE HAS
TO WAIT FOR A HAIRCUT, BUT THEN HE DOESN'T EVER COME BACK."

A LITTLE WHILE LATER BILL RETURNED TO THE SHOP, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

THE BARBER ASKED, "SO WHERE DOES THAT GUY GO WHEN HE LEAVES?"

BILL LOOKED UP, TEARS IN HIS EYES FROM LAUGHTER AND SAID,

"YOUR HOUSE."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers, in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she crosses her legs enough times till her husband says:

Are you wearing crutchless knickers?

Y-e-s, she answers with a seductive smile.


Thank God for that.


I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa

hope we dont draw Cas in CC check this out - channelbee.com/comedy/show/video/756 [/url

hope we dont draw Cas in CC check this out - channelbee.com/comedy/show/video/756 [/url

where does osama bin laden keep his cds?

...in a-rack

say these words in order.

whale oil beef hooked......

and repeat.......now say them again without soundin like an irishman swearing!

Driving to work this morning when i saw this RAC van parked up on the side of the road. The driver looked really miserable and down.......i thought if he doesnt snap out of it soon he could be heading for a breakdown

A girl asks her doctor how many calories Are in C*M

the doctor replys honey if you swallow no one cares if your Fat !!!!

My condolences go to the family and friends of H from Steps. He will be sadly missed.

Louis was meeting his buddies and had just told them he couldn't make the fishing trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other remarks from his buddies, he left to go back home to his wife.

When Louis's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Louis sitting in front of the campfire, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Louis?"
"I didn't have to" was Louis's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.




replace lover with tw@at