The awkward moment when you arrive in Calais for your school French trip and realise its just you and the teacher.

Probably getting some practical over theory.

useful phrases


"please sir, ou est le préservatif ?"

"je n'ai que quinze ans mais je m'en fou cheri !"

"j'ai entendu parler que la nourriture à Bellmarsh est dégeulasse"

"actuellement monsieur le flic, il est mon pere !"

Yeah

Isn't he a maths teacher?
At least she'll know how many times 30 goes in to 15

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Teachers eh ... One minute you're taking a register ... next minute you;re on one

Tulisa has announced she will be naked in her next video.

It's not a cynical ploy to sell records, it's just because JJB Sports has closed down.

They have just found Jimmy Savile's diary.

His last entry was about 10 years old.

One paper carried photos of three women who had made allegations about Jimmy Savile. They showed a photo taken at the time and one showing how they look now.
The caption read Now Then, Now Then, Now Then

saville was asked how old his latest girlfriend was. he replied

now ten now ten

Damned deaf vigilantes
They've just beaten up Jimmy Summerville by mistake

Gonna go for an alternative halloween costume this year and try to scare middle-aged women instead.

My costume will consist of a long blonde wig, a tracksuit, lots of gold chains and a cigar.

I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing around it as a sign of respect to his victims.

So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it.

Just what Jimmy would have wanted

I just bumped into Audley Harrison in Tesco. I said, "Sorry mate, give me your hand and I'll pull you up".

The desire to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only ever a whim away.....

A neighbour just knocked on my door and asked me if he could borrow my mobile phone . There has been an accident down the road . A Cas fan has been hit by a truck and is mangled and bleeding to death . When I asked why he don't use his own phone he replied ...


'I can't take pictures on mine .'

An old Marine Pilot sat down at Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC
flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee..

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first
Stearmans, then the early
Grummans....
Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict,
Banshees and
Cougars..
I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds,
so I guess I am a
pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked
women. As soon as I get upin the morning I think about naked women.
When I shower I think about naked women. When I watch TV I think about
naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the
old pilot and asked: "are you areal pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

George Clooney is to star in a new fim about the life of Jimmy Saville.

It's called Oh, She's eleven

When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of Wisdom,

[i"......Mr. Grimsdale!! MR.GRIMSDALE!!!"[/i

superb

3 ex-BBC stars are the latest to come forward and claim to've been fingered by Jimmy Savile.

Sooty, Sweep and Sue are currently being questioned.

The Sooty Show was on ITV from 1967 onwards

Spent its first 12 years on the Beeb.

preferred Pinky & Perky personally

does anyone recall The Beakles ?