I hate some of the excuses women come up with for not having sex. Like:

"I'm on my period."

"I've got a headache."

Or

"Get your hands off my neck I don't even know you."

Sex is for people who can't afford Xbox Live membership.

Side-splittingly funny...

Sorry to anyone who may find this offensive but I thought it was quite funny.

The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.

I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

Man City are set to welcome back Carlos Tevez to the first-team squad. A spokesman said: "Halloween just wouldn't be the same without him."

I bought that new 'Best of Carlos Tevez' DVD

But it wouldn't play

Actualy I found that very funny.

Are you in training mate?

I am having trials for Leigh at the moment. Managed to kick a rugby ball about 10 foot and stayed on my feet, they didn't seem too impressed with me until I said I would play for nowt and then they thrust a contract in my face.

Police marksmen covering the dale farm eviction were required to shoot 3 times. They won a goldfish, a teddy and an inflateable hammer

My employment advisor today asked me if I’ve been looking for jobs. I responded it’s pointless because he’s dead.

When Chris Eubank says "bithneth" that's when you know he really means business.

The Pakistan Cricket team have issued a statement expressing their shock at the involvement of three Pakistani players in match fixing and promised to clean up their act before the 2-1 series defeat to the West Indies next year.

What's six inches long and not being sucked anymore?






Jimmy Savile's cigar

Suicide bombers if you really want to see 70 virgins, then simply pop down to GAME at midnight.

Haha that's a good one.

It's not mine but;

So when Gary says Frankie Cocozza has been "really concentrating on his lines this week", it's not to do with his songs?

Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier. They are currently grilling George Foreman.


An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles.
Scientists have named it "Emile Heskey".

Like the second.

As a result of the recent death of Joe Frazier, Audley Harrison has been elevated one position in the world boxing rankings.[size=50


(recycled)[/size

What is six inches long and makes a man groan as soon as a woman touches it?

A gear stick.

Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
'It's not what it looks like', I pleaded.
'Well, what is it then?' she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
'A woman', I replied.

I woke up this morning, with the itchiest ar53 imaginable, and asked my wife what it was

"ringsting" she replied.

"Why?" I said "what's that pretentious Geordie git gonna know?"

Barman says 'We don't serve neutrinos here'.


A neutrino walks into a bar. (geddit?)